Another one about food... (kind of)

The Dude will be 5 months old sooner than I care to admit. He's growing way too fast. Unfortunately, now what little milk I had has pretty much completely dried up. I'm very reluctant to let it go. I just tried to pump and after 20 minutes, I got the equivalent of one gulp for The Dude. I know there's no point any more in me trying, but I hate it. I don't want to stop, but my body has made that decision for me. Am I really going to miss sitting with that damn suction cup attached to me for who knows how long, just to squeeze out maybe an ounce? No. Am I really going to miss The Dude pinching my nipples because the milk would stop and I couldn't get him to the bottle quick enough? No. Am I already missing the little newborn that my son was? Yes. Am I worried about postpartum depression hitting me now? Yes. Am I sad that my cycle has already started back up. YES. I planned and planned and planned for nursing The Dude until he was at least 1. Instead, I barely nursed him for not quite 5 months. I tried my damndest. I took Fenugreek. I drank Mother's Milk Tea. I drank water like it was my business. I insisted on nursing him every single time he ate. As he got bigger, and the formula in his bottle topped the 6 ounce line, reality started to hit me. Was it worth the trouble so he could get a 1/2 ounce of breastmilk? I kept trying. But started to become a lot more lax. Reality just fully hit that I think I just pumped for the last time.

I'm worried about postpartum depression. But I think I may be psyching myself out. I never realized that stopping breast-feeding could bring it on. I know my hormones are still adjusting after I fucked my body up in ways I never realized. I know I'm beyond sad that my sister got fired. I miss her being here. I feel awful continuing to work where I work. Why do I want to work with people that didn't want my sister any more? Lies were told about her. She was vilified for no other reason than she was different. Communication (or lack thereof from the management) was the main reason why she is no longer here. I don't think she deserved the fate she was handed. All of this has been hanging in my head. And now I can't nurse any more. I think it's just sadness/stress overload.