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A few of you may know that when I was around 20 weeks pregnant, I decided to go look at Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep's website. This organization is FANTASTIC, but is something no expectant mother should ever look at. For the next 17 1/2 weeks, I could do nothing but worry. It's so scary to have a being inside you, and not be able to see him or monitor him or keep him safe. So many unknowns can happen. The Dude was so inactive in the womb that it certainly didn't help. For those of you who don't know what Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is, it is a charity that brings professional photographers to the hospital to take infant bereavement photos. It sounds morbid, but as testimonies from the parents confirm, it is something that they need to have. It is something that nobody ever wants to have. I have lived in fear ever since that day. Even though my boy is a healthy 5 1/2 month old, the worry never ceases.

I just spent the majority of today reading a blog from 3 years ago (she's still actively blogging, but the particular posts were from 2008) and it has taken everything in me not to break down in tears. I knew before visiting her blog that she lost her sweet daughter 8 weeks after bringing her into the world. I read the blog from the ultrasound that told them her baby would be sick to about a week after her passing. Even though I knew this angel flew to heaven, I kept hoping and praying that the ending would change. That this poor baby would survive and thrive. I can't imagine what those parents went through. I can't imagine ever having to do that myself. I know of a couple here in Louisville that lost their sweet baby 2 months after he was born. He was not sick. Everything was seemingly healthy. I never heard why he passed, but I assume SIDS. I wonder why. Why were these parents' precious children snatched from them. Why am I the lucky one that gets my healthy baby boy? I don't for one second think that I am not deserving of my son, but I just wonder how this universe makes these decisions. Why do some live and some die? I've been struggling a lot with the matter of death lately. As my parents get older (not old, but older), as we were clearing out John's mom's basement and seeing his dad's funeral box, as we found a letter that John's dad wrote when John was 16 pounds (we're missing the first page and it starts with the word months, so we just barely missed finding out how old he was, but 4-5 months is a safe bet), as I look at The Dude and never want to leave him, and never want him to leave me. I am struggling with what happens when we're gone. I don't want to think about, but I can't stop. Reading this woman's blog about her incredible journey and the peace she had with her daughter's passing was inspiring. I know the journey doesn't end when our bodies give up. I know my family will be a family for eternity. But it's still a daunting and depressing thought. I can no longer think about the end. There is no end. Only love.

I'm doing horribly at this...

I thought I'd be a great blogger, but so far, I am so lagging behind. I guess an update on The Dude is in order. He is getting so big and progressing so much, it's mind-blowing. He holds his own bottle, he reaches and "unh, unhs" for things he wants. I asked him several times today to give me a kiss, and every time, I got a slobbery, gummy kiss on my cheek or chin. I absolutely love it. He's sitting on his own for a few seconds. He can roll over. He pushes up on his arms like a champ. It's just nuts. He's not a baby any more. He's a kid.

I picked him up from day care last week, and they had a six week old baby. I looked at that little bean, and I looked at Jude in his car seat without any padding or covers. And that same thought. He's not a baby anymore. He's a kid. I can't even remember what it was like for him to be so little.

I'm also really behind on pictures. I need to get them uploaded and edited and start taking more. I haven't been taking nearly as many pictures as I wanted to. I take a bunch with my phone, but I have a $600 camera that has been sitting for several weeks. I also have a video camera that we have yet to use! The whole reason I wanted the camera was for The Dude, and I haven't videoed anything. I have a couple low quality videos from my phone, but I can't believe I haven't gotten the video camera out yet.

We went to a friend's baby's 1st birthday party yesterday, and it made me so excited for December when Jude gets his 1st birthday. I'm in NO RUSH for him to get there, but it will be fun when it comes. Motherhood is exactly as I imagined it. It's been amazing and I have one of the most beautiful and sweetest babies I have ever seen. I am so lucky. It's been a lot of fun so far. I love my Dude.

Thinking real hard

Between the hoodie and the hair, one of my favorites of him

SOCK MONKEY! (Glad to know he shares my enthusiasm)

Stretchy face

Party animal

Dancing with G Mama

How much is that doggy in the window?

I am dying to get another dog. I LOVE my two girls, but with all the rescue promotion I do, I feel like it's my time to step up and help more. Even if we just fostered another dog, I would love it. But we don't have room for another crate. And The Dude is only 5 months old and we aren't exactly rolling in the dough.

But I look at the sweet faces of these dogs and I just want to save all of them! We may end up with a temporary foster as our friends need to find a home for their foster, and if they can't do it soon, we'll end up with her until a home can be found (I can't let that girl go to the pound!).

I'm just at the point where I feel like I'm not doing enough. I do my best by sharing every dog I can. I know that I feasibly can't take in a lot of dogs. My girls are still young and kind of territorial, but I would LOVE for them to get to know other canines. They need the socialization. I just want to win the lottery and open a rescue and live happily ever after with my dogs and my four kids (one day...)