pink, brown, yellow, orange and blue, i love you: I never have time

I never have time to update this thing. Sometimes (all the time) I wish I could be a (part-time) stay-at-home mom. I wish I had more time to spend with my son. I wish I could just spend all hours of the day soaking in his awesomeness. I love that kid more than anything.

I read a lot of mom blogs and several of them are written by moms who have lost children (babies). I sat last night, exhausted, wanting to go to bed, but trying to organize ALL of my clothes and getting Jude's birthday party planned and figuring out Halloween, making sure all the grandparents get to see Jude, etc. My mind was swirling. I was tired. I wanted to go to bed. John was asleep on the couch for the second night in a row. I had asked him to put Jude down and he didn't budge. I sat down in the rocker with him and turned on his lullabies and tried so hard to get him to sleep. He wasn't having it. He kept grabbing my glasses, grabbing and twisting my nose with his sharp fingernails (which I basically got yelled at at day care for. Screw you guys. Have you tried to cut an almost 11 month old's nails? It sucks.) He was pulling my hair and kept going back to my glasses, which, if he breaks them, I have no back up and no money to get more. I kept gently saying no, and pulling his hand away. His face was so sweet while he was doing, but it hurt. I tried to stay calm with him. I was getting mad. Then I remembered all the baby-lost parents out there and I felt guilty for getting mad. I figured any of them would gladly trade me places and have a baby scratching their face and pulling their hair. So I started crying. I finally walked out to the living room, yelled at John and made him put Jude down. I still feel guilty for getting aggravated with Jude. Which is ridiculous. Just because I am one lucky person to have him in my life doesn't mean I need to be happy that he's scratching the hell out of me. I think I feel so much empathy for the baby-lost parents that I feel like I should enjoy every single minute and praise everything Jude does. It's unrealistic. As much as we want to believe, kids are not perfect. If I get aggravated with Jude it doesn't mean that I love him any less or don't appreciate every minute I have with him. I have high anxiety and I think with reading these other mom's blogs, I worry even more that something will happen to Jude or I will jinx him. I really need to relax and enjoy my time with him.

Which takes me back to wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. Or at least a part-time one. I remember reading a blurb in my HR class in college about two moms who filled one position at a company. One mom worked Mon, Tues and Wed morning, and the other one worked Wed afternoon, Thur and Fri. Any other moms out there want to split a full-time position with me? (I wish. Unfortunately, the mortgage, utilities, cable, insurance and wireless companies don't want me to be a part-time stay-at-home mom.)

Anyway, here's the half-weekly dose of pictures.