pink, brown, yellow, orange and blue, i love you: Goals

I'm on a quest right now to return my body to not only my "pre-baby" body, but also to my "pre-marriage" body. I don't know what happened but the last 6 months before my wedding I slowly started gaining weight. I had to get my wedding dress completely altered (take the zipper out, put in a corset back so I would have wiggle room to stuff my body in it.) I don't think there's anything quite so embarrassing. I don't have willpower. If you dangle good food in front of me, I will eat it. Without a second thought. After Jude, I stayed huge. I didn't lose a pound of baby weight. I blame it on: lack of willpower, putting my son first, quitting dance, eating like crap, not getting any sleep, etc. I really thought I had a thyroid problem. I really wanted it to be a thyroid problem. Why would I wish a medical condition on myself? It takes the blame off of me. It's not my fault I'm enormous. It's my body, it's Jude's, it's blah blah blah. I threw out excuse after excuse. I tried to reconcile my eating habits in my head.

I was lazy. After having a small health scare, I decided it was finally time to do something about. I own my problem. It is my fault, and my fault alone, that I am in plus-sized clothing. And I am the only person who can do something about it. I need to lose 95 pounds. Everybody kept saying "don't say that. Do small goals. Otherwise, it seems impossible." But that's not the way I work. If I set intermittent goals, once I reach those, I'll be pleased enough to stop trying. Then I'll get "Cute Girl Syndrome". You know, where you finally reach your goal weight and decide that you now have it under control, and you can eat that. It's fine. Then you cheat on more and more. Then you no longer are afflicted with CGS. You're just fat.

The Dude's 1st birthday is in a month and a half. I did set one short-term goal of losing 20 pounds by his birthday. Even 20 pounds lighter I will still look bad, but I won't look as bad. I'll be able to step in front of the camera and take pictures with my (beautiful) son and my (hot) husband. Maybe I won't look like I completely don't belong in this family unit. I try to keep up appearances in other ways. My hair and makeup are pretty much the only thing I can do. "Cute" clothes don't really come in a size 22. Or they are cute. But they don't look cute on me.

I want to be thin for so many reasons. For my self-esteem. For my husband. For my son. I don't want him growing up unhealthy. He's so beautiful, and I want to keep his body in the best shape it can. Life can throw enough curve balls at you; I want to control as much as I can and keep him as healthy as I can. I want him to have a better life.

I'm on track. I will do this.

In the meantime, here's life in the past week (I really need to start updating more than once a week so I don't have to post 25 pictures every time.)