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A few of you may know that when I was around 20 weeks pregnant, I decided to go look at Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep's website. This organization is FANTASTIC, but is something no expectant mother should ever look at. For the next 17 1/2 weeks, I could do nothing but worry. It's so scary to have a being inside you, and not be able to see him or monitor him or keep him safe. So many unknowns can happen. The Dude was so inactive in the womb that it certainly didn't help. For those of you who don't know what Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is, it is a charity that brings professional photographers to the hospital to take infant bereavement photos. It sounds morbid, but as testimonies from the parents confirm, it is something that they need to have. It is something that nobody ever wants to have. I have lived in fear ever since that day. Even though my boy is a healthy 5 1/2 month old, the worry never ceases.

I just spent the majority of today reading a blog from 3 years ago (she's still actively blogging, but the particular posts were from 2008) and it has taken everything in me not to break down in tears. I knew before visiting her blog that she lost her sweet daughter 8 weeks after bringing her into the world. I read the blog from the ultrasound that told them her baby would be sick to about a week after her passing. Even though I knew this angel flew to heaven, I kept hoping and praying that the ending would change. That this poor baby would survive and thrive. I can't imagine what those parents went through. I can't imagine ever having to do that myself. I know of a couple here in Louisville that lost their sweet baby 2 months after he was born. He was not sick. Everything was seemingly healthy. I never heard why he passed, but I assume SIDS. I wonder why. Why were these parents' precious children snatched from them. Why am I the lucky one that gets my healthy baby boy? I don't for one second think that I am not deserving of my son, but I just wonder how this universe makes these decisions. Why do some live and some die? I've been struggling a lot with the matter of death lately. As my parents get older (not old, but older), as we were clearing out John's mom's basement and seeing his dad's funeral box, as we found a letter that John's dad wrote when John was 16 pounds (we're missing the first page and it starts with the word months, so we just barely missed finding out how old he was, but 4-5 months is a safe bet), as I look at The Dude and never want to leave him, and never want him to leave me. I am struggling with what happens when we're gone. I don't want to think about, but I can't stop. Reading this woman's blog about her incredible journey and the peace she had with her daughter's passing was inspiring. I know the journey doesn't end when our bodies give up. I know my family will be a family for eternity. But it's still a daunting and depressing thought. I can no longer think about the end. There is no end. Only love.