it's friiiday friiiday friday!

It's Friday. Yay!

So, I'm trying to challenge myself. Not just the weight thing. I want to have a new mindset. For my entire life, I've always cared way too much about what people think of me. I've tried my entire life to fit in. The truth of the matter is, it's never worked. I had friends in middle school- we were really good friends. Then we went to high school and they all remained friends and made new friends, and for some reason, I didn't make the cut. I also didn't really make any new friends. There were a few, but we only keep in contact via Facebook, and even then, it's very little contact. Even at the dance studio, I was always the secondary. We had 4 teachers, and 3 were really good friends. Guess who wasn't included in that 3? I had 2 best friends at the studio, but they went on to college while I was graduating college at home. So through no fault of their own, I was left behind again.

Now it seems as though the group of friends I acquired as an adult is also splitting. And again, I'm kind of on the losing end. Why do I care about a friend who obviously doesn't care to see me. I've tried to reach out, but to no avail. My only other option is to invite myself over and I don't want to do that. (Hello desperate). I've finally gotten to the point where I just don't give a shit. I have my husband. I have my son. I do have a few very good friends that I don't think will ever leave me. I have my parents and step-parents, and in-laws, and siblings. I don't need anything else.

So yeah, the birthday party will once again be extremely lame. Once I got past middle school, it seems as though I am not allowed to have a great birthday party. John wants to make it a blowout and get an ice luge, but I really think it's going to be a waste of money. The 2 birthday parties we've had for me since we've had the house have been extremely lame; as well as any other party aimed towards me. We invited over 40 people to the baby shower and I think maybe a dozen showed up. Like my bridal shower. We invited 25 people. Only 9 showed up (2 were my sister's friends. And keep in mind, I had 9 bridesmaids, so not even all of them came.) And I think I counted myself as one of those nine. My in-town bachelorette party consisted of me, my sister and a few of her friends. I'm quite sick of busting my ass planning awesome parties and no one comes. I think my husband is probably sick of holding me and trying to console me as I sob and ask why nobody likes me.

But I want to move past all of this. I'm almost 25. My husband and son are awesome and that's really all I need.  Enough of the self-loathing. I need to get back to work. Just wanted to get this off my chest, as I start planning what is sure to be a failure of a birthday party.